i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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