Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
