Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
