I just made out with a guy for $7.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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