I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Bring me that man meat
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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