My nipple is on Facebook.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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