he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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