The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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