operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
