i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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