If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
