There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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