i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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