I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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