I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
