don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
