Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
