When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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