Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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