The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need a burrito and a hug.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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