Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
