if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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