The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
