the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
