Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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