i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
