i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
