I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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