i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
