I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
