By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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