You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
