Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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