The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
