just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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