Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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