Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
