Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
