1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
