You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
