the condom got lost in my hair
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
