Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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