so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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