The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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