yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
