You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
