drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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