so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
