??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
