to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
