i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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