season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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