one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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